The Road to Suicide

Suicide is never going to be an easy topic to approach and often times it is muddled by religious sentiments casting a shadow over the life-self-taken. It is harder to comprehend when the life-self-taken is young and seemingly still full of years.

The person who chooses to take his/her own life follows a pattern that can be tracked and monitored. Only if people are aware and watchful for the signs.

  1. Frustration at situations around them or situations out of their control,
  2. Depressive mood,
  3. Clear intent of suicide – they actually tell someone; what they want to do,
  4. Reaching out for attention.

Suicidal tendencies can affect anyone at anytime. It is not a disease of the insane; in fact it is an affliction of the sane. A bright mind unable to cope with the harsh reality of life. A bright mind that could have been helped only if those around him/her stop to listen.

p/s There was a suicide in my organization and I took a peek at the person’s last few blog entries. Depression and frustration were evident, the person wanted to be heard.


Living a nightmare.

I had another bad night.

Trying to get a good nights sleep is a chore.

Often times I find myself wishing things would just end. Stop breathing and just stop the dull pain that eats away at my chest. Yes, it sounds stupid but unless you have ever been through it; you will never fully comprehend the pain one has to endure when hit with a depressive state.

I don’t remember when I eventually fell asleep, but I remember telling my mind to shut up and I focused on the sound of my own breathing. Eventually, I must have dozed off. Yet, it was a nightmare. Normally, nightmares strike us as we sleep, not when we are trying to get some sleep. Yet, I was stricken with a continual nightmare in trying to get sleep into my system.

And it is a struggle for me. My depressive nature strikes when I am least distracted. Yes, work is a kind distraction. It keeps me moving and busy and occupied from what ills me. But take that distraction away and I fall into a quiet state, then the nightmare begins.

My thoughts go hay-wire and memories and visions explode in my mind. I hear my mind talk and it scares me. Madness is a constant fear of mine. To have my mind descend into the abyss of insanity is not something I want, yet I seem to be edging towards that cliff with each nightmare episode.

The morn brought some rest-bite. And I am hoping things would be better. Yet, with about 5 hours sleep; I hope I don’t end up being grouchy in the office.


To Those That Don’t Understand, It’s Spelt ‘DEPRESSION’


“Let it go.” “Get over it.” “Move on with life.” “I don’t like the change in you.” “Just think happy thoughts.”

I’ve heard my fair share of comments. The comments are fair and spoken from well-intended motives. The people are sincere and trying their best to nudge me along.

But they got it all wrong.

I often dismissed this form of positive-emphaty as being the inability of the commenter to understand the true nature of the condition that has gripped me. For in all fairness, only those who suffer would know how it truly feels.

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Shopping Therapy – Buying a leather jacket to beat depression.


Ok, I don’t look like Wolverine but don’t you just love leather jackets. Don’t you just love leather?

I was feeling really pissed the other night, someone ticked me off and it caused turbulence in my rather calm mind at that time. I hate it when people screw up your almost peaceful day by being plain rude and disrespectful. So taking a page from a friend, “Shopping therapy always works.” (The ladies have always known this since the beginning of time.) I went out and bought myself a jacket – leather and all.

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The Best Thing About Depression

Being depressive is not all doom and gloom. There is a bright side to it and it basically explains why writers (afflicted with depression) seem to be successful at their craft.

In a survey led by the neuroscientist Nancy Andreasen, 30 writers from the Iowa Writers’ Workshop were interviewed about their mental history. Eighty percent of the writers met the formal diagnostic criteria for some form of depression. A similar theme emerged from biographical studies of British writers and artists by Kay Redfield Jamison, a professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins, who found that successful individuals were eight times as likely as people in the general population to suffer from major depressive illness.

Article: The Evolutionary Reason for Depression

This helps me understand myself better. I’ve always been a thinker and I guess, thinking is what I do best, though at times; I’ve been advised not to think too much. Yet, through my ruminations; I’ve learnt to comprehend my universe better.

In this article and the in the article it referenced – Depression Upside [The New York Times]; it suggests that depression may be a good thing after all. This goes against all that we believe about depression. Depression and sadness are all part of our personalities as human beings and thus, have their place in our development as individuals.

So the point is, to make the best of what you are and this involves using our sadness and depression to become the best we are.

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The Source of Creativity in Writers

I am a mix of things. A jumbled mess of emotions, oxy-moronic quirks and mismatched manners. People do not understand me and, most times, I don’t understand myself too. It’s a constant wonderment of “What do you want?” and in most cases, the person in front of me do not know what they want out of me.

The label “Insane Writer” seems to fit me well. In fact, there are those out there that think of me in exact terms.

“Oh, there goes that insane guy, who writes. He’s full of weird ideas. Dangerous ideas and always moody. Never listen to people’s advice or opinions and makes stupid decisions and all. He’s not only insane, he’s stupid,” the nay-sayers say.

What humans fail to explain and rationalize is always filed under “Something Crazy”, leaving it as something not worth their time to understand.

Isanity has always plague the writer. Suicide and depression are the writers cloak. Yet, what most people fear is exactly the source of a writers creativity.

It is not surprising that these mood disorders seem most at home in the artistic mind. “The cognitive style of manic-depression overlaps with the creative temperament,” Ms. Jamison said. Researchers have found that in a mildly manic state, subjects think more quickly, fluidly and originally. In a depressed state, subjects are self-critical and obsessive, an ideal frame of mind for revision and editing. “When we think of creative writers,” Ms. Jamison said, “we think of boldness, sensitivity, restlessness, discontent; this is the manic-depressive temperament.”

Full Article: Exploring The Links Between Depression, Writers and Suicide

Writers and artist seem to gravitate towards the insane and quirky side of life. They explore areas which no other human would go, then they report their findings. Most time, they fall prey to their own research.

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Depression is an illness of the strong, diligent and reliable.

Clinical depression, in my experience, nearly always happens to one type of person. So much so, in fact, that it has changed the way I assess patients suffering from it. The Royal College of Psychiatrists guidelines on psychiatric history-taking say one should find out about a person’s personality as part of this process. but I don’t bother any more because it is always the same.

Sufferers are:

  • Strong
  • Diligent
  • Reliable

With a strong conscience and sense of responsibility


  • Sensitive
  • Quite vulnerable to criticism
  • With an easily dented self-esteem.

Full Article: The Cantopher Document

This is a wonderful document on depression. If you believe that you are coping with depression, do read this document and understand that there are ways to cope and recover. And you will be surprise, the ways to recover (mentioned here) go against the common idea of how one should cope with depression, yet I believe they work.

Depression can handicap the very best of us. It is not something that can be zapped away by positive words or pointed advice (I’ve heard my share), but rather; with clear understanding of what a sufferer is going through. Key too, is to understand how one can fall into the pit of depression.

I wasn’t born with depression but I had the perfect personality make-up to fall into depression.

My depression was triggered and the natural filters that safe-guard all human beings against depression moods, in me; broke. Thus, recovery for me is not merely a thinking process but also a restoring of my own natural defenses back to their normal state, where I am naturally capable of withstanding depression moods.

And in my own study of my state, it is glaring that most people (though well-meaning) are ill prepared to deal with a depression-sufferer. No fault of their own, they are just un-informed and un-verse with the condition.

Information and understanding of the condition, is key to both the sufferer and care-giver.

If you do know of someone who is suffering, please; take the time and effort to understand what they are going through. Understand what caused the condition for the sufferer, who at most is also confused with their own state.

Help them understand what they are going through. Inspiring words and advice, is pure bull-shit; if you do not understand the condition. Listen to what a sufferer has to say, because at most; they need someone to listen to them and to emphasize with what they are going through.

Depression is painful and at times only a sufferer can truly understand what the pain is like. But for those of you who (fortunately) do not have to suffer as we do; take the time to understand, research and make it a point to be concerned with us.

If you are suffering, leave me a comment and I’ll get in touch with you. Currently, I’m looking at various ways of recovery, either than taking medication. And I’ll be happy to share with you.

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